Monday, May 11, 2015

Mother's Day Truth

The truth about Mother's Day for me this year:

Saturday night I enjoyed dinner and movie with my 3 best friends. We are all moms of young children and its so nice to have that support system in my life. I'm so thankful for each of them as we go through this thing called motherhood. Its such a breath of fresh air to have their encouragement, love, and humor! Our kids love (and fight) like brothers and sisters and think they are cousins. It's such a fun and easy dynamic. Being a mom is awesome, having 3 best friends to share in motherhood with is the icing on the cake.

I went to bed feeling on top of the world and woke up in a funk Sunday, Mother's Day, morning.

I thought maybe my mood was due to a restless night of sleep but quickly realized I was sad....

I felt guilty about being sad, but it was an emotion I just couldn't shake.

We've always wanted 4 children. Since Aaron and I started dating, 14 years ago, we always talked about our hopes and dreams for our family and we always thought that included 4 kiddos running around.

Exactly one week before my 30th birthday, our sweet Harry was born! And not even before he turned 1 we started trying for baby number 3. Here we are, 1 year and 5 months later and I'm still not pregnant. Tests have been run and ultrasounds have been performed and I'm a healthy 32-year old woman who is plain and simply struggling with infertility but has no answers as to why. My only option at this point is fertility drugs and we are praying over that. Whether or not that is something we want to pursue. If this was our first or even second child we would have been aboard that train yesterday, but since we have 2 healthy, beautiful children we have decided to wait and pray and see where our hearts are led.

I quit testing my ovulation and it has helped me not to think about it so often, but every time I see a baby, I think to myself that I will probably never hold another newborn baby that is mine, I will never nurse another baby, that all those firsts that I so thankfully have experienced with my two, I will never experience again. Its a hurtful reminder. And when I see a pregnant belly my body physically aches to be pregnant. And I'm not even one of those woman that love being pregnant, but now I long to be pregnant again. And if I do get the honor of carrying a 3rd baby, I will cherish every single moment. When I was pregnant with Harry, I never once thought to really enjoy every moment because I thought I would be pregnant again one day! I won't make that mistake again.

I pray every day, that if it is God's will for our family, that we would have another sweet baby, and if it is not His will that I would have a peace about it. At this time, I don't have that peace. I still get really sad from time to time and yesterday's Mother's Day was hard for me. So many babies (baby dedication at church) and so many pregnant bellies was a constant reminder all morning that I am not pregnant and may not every have another baby. After church and lunch, we came home and while Harry napped I just laid in bed, rested and let myself feel a little sorry for myself and after about 30 minutes I felt so much better.

I felt guilty so many times yesterday about feeling sad. Why would I be sad? I have 2 beautiful children: 1 girl; 1 boy. Its perfect, right? But it was just something I couldn't/can't help. Infertility is the death of a dream and something that I think about and deal with every single day. I never thought I would struggle with this, especially after having 2 pregnancies followed by 2 perfect, healthy babies. But it is. It's our new normal and prayerfully over time I will either be ok with not being able to have more children or I will have more babies! It's all in God's hands and for that I am so thankful.

Yesterday I read an Instagram caption by a "friend", who I never knew until yesterday, struggled with infertility after having 3 babies and she wrote that last year's Mother's Day she was wanting a baby so bad and this Mother's Day she is pregnant and that gives me HOPE! It also gave me a little validation that it is okay to feel sad from time to time.

Experiencing infertility firsthand has given me a whole new perspective on life and relationships that is for sure. All the stories I've heard, blog posts I've read, pictures I've seen on social media of friends struggling with this and I just want to go back and say "I'm sorry".... Now I know what it's like to not be able to have a child when one is so desperately wanted. It really does hurt. Whether you have children or not.

I have never taken my children for granted and I pray that I never will. They are the greatest gifts I have EVER been given and they are irreplaceable. They bring me so much joy and life is unimaginable without them. Thankful for them today and everyday, whether I'm struggling with infertility or not, they are my everything!

I don't share this for sympathy. I share this because I know there are so many of you out there who also struggle or have struggled with this. I get often asked if we are going to have more children and I never know how to I always just say "God willing". For some reason I just felt really led to share this, this morning. I was going to do a tie-dye DIY post but felt I really needed to share what was on my heart. I want to be prayed for and I want to be encouraged and I hope that this post encourages someone!

Hope you all had a fabulous Mother's Day and that you were spoiled by your husbands and children! Us mamas, we work hard, every single day. Motherhood is crazy. It's challenging and so exhausting, but the most rewarding thing in the world. Thankful that I have 2 precious babies that call me MOM!

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.
In this world you will have trouble. 
But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Happy Monday!



  1. Praying that you're able to grow your sweet family soon!!

  2. When you are struggling with infertity, Mothers Day can be so hard!! Even after having a baby, I still think about the women who are struggling on that day. I pray your blessing is coming!